1 UFC scrub, 1UFC 2x champ, and A Swedish 1%r biker gang member (allegedly) walk into a bar. Sounds like the beginning of joke right? No, this actually happened.
Me? Well I’m the scrub. DaMarques Johnson, TUF finalist, UFC flunky, yea I’m that guy. The 2x champ? Yea that’s BJ Penn. The “alleged” Swedish biker gang member well… (With a head scratch and shoulder shrug) Nobody really cares about that guy. Odds are he was well studied in Gangland and Sons of Anarchy episodes making him well versed in the lingo capped off with a couple look at me tattoos.
Now I don’t know why or how I ended up college super senior levels hammered, but i did. That will happen when you are not paying for your drinks. Due to brain cells being drowned in some alcohol infused thinking serum, I unknowingly turned into your typical Chatty Cathy. I don’t know what possessed me to crip walk in Sweden butttt I did. I’m no crip and not even loosely associated with a gang of any kind. I just watch a lot of BET I guess. I don’t why I did this, but I did. Come to think about let’s call this guy LaVander Eastwood.( he is my alter ego) Now LaVander is cutting a rug on the dance floor when he gets a tap on his shoulder. It’s Bj “Hey man I gotta take a piss follow me down to the bathroom.” It was a three story building restaurant and dance floor on the main floor bathrooms in the basement. Now Bj and I are walking to the bathroom and I’m doing my best drunken cheerleader impression jabbering on about god knows what, when a wave of seriousness flashes across Bjs face. “Listen. There is a dude that won’t leave me alone. He says he is in some gang or something, he da guy in the white jacket. I gotta piss. Watch the door for me bra.” Who woulda thunk it? Yea I’m basically Bj‘s intoxicated security guard. “Okkkk man. Dude you want me to hit him? Who is he?” “I’ll hit him, I don’t care. I might not win a fight but I will punch the shit out a mutter fucker. How big is he?” Appreciating LaVanders spirit, A simple smile and laugh broke the seriousness of his Hawaiian warrior I’m gonna fuck someone up face. “You’re good bra jus watch the door.” Just as he disappeared behind the swinging door as LaVander chirped “hey Bj” instantly Bjs head appeared something like a cartoon character only exposing his head out the door “YA.” Being propped up by a wall “iif I hit him, can I have his jacket?” LaVander stone cold serious but with a child like wonder. Erupting in laughter and head shaking. “You got it bra.”
Nothing is more momentarily sobering than see the red and blue lights of a police force in a foreign country unable to speak the language.
What I do when I am Blackout drunk is none of my damn business the way I see it. As I was unpacking from my UFC Sweden trip I came across mystery gang members white jacket. This was mine and LaVanders first meeting with a UFC HALL of FAMER Bj Penn and fortunately it wouldn’t be my last.